07/11 continued

Snack:
Bowl of pretzels
Lunch:
Italian Veggies Soup in Tomoato Broth with Artichokes, Tomatoes, Yellow Squash, celery, Shitake Mushrooms, and spices
Naked Juice (Power C Flavour)
A bunch of Dried Mangos (they have sugar added to them)

On my way to lunch I noticed that I was walking on a grate and I could see about two stories below me where my shadow was walking. The grate was so small that it didn't produce shadows. It was very surrealist, as if I was walking on air.

I am so excited to attend the Performance and Interactive Media Arts Program at Brooklyn College. I have so many ideas that necessitate the knowledge I will acquire there. I care a lot about dream states and new technology. The new poster for the movie "The Science of Sleep" looks cool.

I have noticed that since I got the Kitty and since I started eating breakfast I have been a whole lot more thorough with things. I am more apt to fold, or wash something instead of leave it in the sink. I want things to be clean, and I want items that I care about to be well placed and safe. I write better sentences and think about using words that more accurately describe my feelings.

Sunday I had a run in with an old friend and former lover and he was acting very strange and kept making allusions to the idea that he didn't respect me and for about an hour was using hurtful language towards me. Later that evening I was able to have a very self affirming conversation with him, which described my feelings and let him know that this type of behavior was not acceptable to me, and that I could not put myself in situations with him (or any people) who continued to treat me badly. He agreed and apologized. Before this month I don't think I would have even noticed the way he was treating me because I was so desperate for everyone's approval.

I put a personal ad on Craigslist for an Authenic and Available Guy. I got tons of responses and although some of them seem nice, cute, and like make-out-able kayaking partners....I get the impression that I am not truly ready to start anything with a new person. Also it occurs to me that, being a queer person, that I am very unattracted to people who are not also queer, and my add was specifically seeking gents who edge (err?) to the straight side of things. I think in the past my friendships, relationships, and artistic partnerships have been forged with very difficult types of people (who although fiery, sometimes talented, and passionate) lack compassion, generosity of spirit, and an authentic desire to grow with me. I think that it is possible that my relationship to my Father has played a key ingredient to why I may seek approval or conspire with these types of people. I like the very idea that they are controlling and difficult because getting them to do work with me, hang out with me, and ultimately love me, is the ultimate challenge that will finally make me worthy.

I am trying to undo this faulty wiring that attracts me to people that do not encourage my growth and who stifle my spirit and instead I am looking for partners in art and life through the journey of our collaboration inspire each other to our own fullest potentials.